Top Stories

  • Tumblr

    Want more bloggy goodness? Head over to our Tumblr for news, gifs, interviews and more!

  • Behind The Scenes

    Get an inside look at the making of your favorite series and new shows that are coming soon.

  • Videos

    Still images are so two centuries ago. Let's watch some talkies!

  • Fan Art

    From tattoos to cakes to more tattoos, take a look at these mind-blowing tributes to Comedy Central shows.

New Distraction Video: Trouser Snakes! Steve Byrne: 13 or Bust
by | comments:

Byrnes_m4

Comedian Steve Byrne's Comedy Central Presents special airs this Friday at 9p / 8c. Steve will be doing guest blog posts on this site for the rest of the week. Learn more about Steve here.

I am so not smooth. We all think we have a little bit of the Fonz in us, but for the most part we really are just Henry Winkler. I am not cool, at all. If I was the following wouldn't have happened. I regularly perform every night at a club in NYC called The Comedy Cellar. You might know it from Seinfeld's movie, Comedian. Half of the movie took place in this club. That's the half of the movie I relate with. The other half of the movie takes place in 4 star hotels, jet planes and a very expensive apartment, that's the part of Comedian that is lost on me. I am a comedian, my friends are comedians and we've never seen any of that crap. Back to the story, the Cellar….

It's almost like a frat house of all the best comedians in Manhattan all hanging out anywhere from 9 pm to 2am. Thats how long the show runs. We are all there 5-7 days a week and we all know each other. Unfortunately for me, a lot of guys happened to be hanging out at the bar upstairs from the club at the restaurant The Olive Tree Cafe. Up there is a table all the comics sit at while we wait to go on or cool off after a set. There were about 9 comics sitting there to witness me make a complete fool of myself. I was sitting at the bar watching some hockey. I asked Wes, the bar keep, who looks like Zach Braff, for my check. I got the check and laid my money on the bar. Just as I put my dough down a man sits next to me at the bar and brushes up against me. I thought it was weird at the time because the whole bar was empty and he sat right next to me. Kind of like when you go into a men's room to pee and a dude comes right to the urinal next to you when there are already 6 other empty urinals. Give me my space!!!

So, I walk away from the bar and sit with the other fellas. About 2 minutes go by and I go back to the bar to check the score of the game. I then notice my bill is at the bar, but not my money. I then look and see that guy who brushed up against me leaving the bar. He sat there for about 3 minutes and he just left an empty bar and he was next to me, so there I am doing the math (I'm Asian so it's really quick.) He must've taken my money! Damnit, this can't be happening to me. No one takes advantage of Steve Byrne! No one, except for the airline industry during peak travel season.

I had to man up. I had to make sure this guy knew he wasn't getting away with this. I bolted to the doorway and asked the man if he had taken my money I laid down on the bar right next to him. He looked at me and started to chuckle. This older man, probably in his late forties or early fifites, just looked at me and asked if I was serious. I had to call his bluff, I knew what he did and I looked him dead in his eyes and said YES! He said let's go to the bar and take care of this. He then took the lead into the bar and laughed at me. "I can't believe that you think I took your money", he said to me. That didn't bug me, what did bother me was when he laughed at me. I tore into him. "Well I find it odd your in here for three minutes, you sit right next to me and when I put my money down and walk away, you disappear!", I felt like Cochran during the OJ trial.

We are going back and forth. The waitresses stop waiting, the bartender is watching our tennis match of accusations and insults, the comics have all stopped joking and everything in the bar stopped to see how this would play out. I knew it, I felt it. Take a seat boys, watch me get my money back from this thief, is what I am thinking. Wes the bartender is trying to get the story from this thief and he continues to laugh at me as he talks about me. Just as he is claiming he didn't take anything and he works on Wall Street, I shake my head and yell at him, "You stole my money, now just put it on the bar and leave you old bastard!"

He laughs, the kind of laugh someone makes when they are about to kill you in a Van Damme film. Just then I see something in the corner of my eye. Its green and somewhere in the vicinity of the floor. I don't even need to look at it directly, I know what it is. My money must have fallen to the floor and no one else knows but me. I and I alone know how this story will end and it will be with me apologizing to this man whom I have yelled at and embarrassed for the last 5 minutes. I literally feel my backbone draining out of my body, I want to run, die, get struck by lightning, anything but what I have to do. Bend down and pick up my money. I begin to descend to the floor. With each crack of vertabrae, I hear comic by comic being to chuckle and gasp. They one by one start to laugh and it then goes into a unison of something along the lines of, A HA!!!

The older man just looks at me like I just told everyone the Holocaust was bullshit, or that Michael Jackson never did anything wrong, just basically a face of disgust. Here it is the moment of truth. Can I truly be a man and accept my wrongdoings in front of everyone and truly face the music? Kind of. I lean in and apologize to the man. In a very hushed, almost whisper effect, like I am admitting it, but I don't want anyone else to know. I say," I am very sorry, I guess my money fell on the floor, I apologize."

He goes to shake my hand. I, like an ass, say, I just apologized to you, I am not shaking your hand. As I am saying it, I know my pride is saying screw him you just said you're sorry, dont shake his hand. My mind is telling me, shake his hand accept defeat, you were wrong, but that ManThing happened to me. I will meet you half way.

He then looked at me, he knew I was wrong, I knew I was wrong, only I wouldn't bend. He laughed at me once more and called me pathetic. He was right. I was wishing as he walked away that I could run over to him and apologize, but really am I going to say I am sorry twice in a row within a six minute span? I was just making it worse. I felt so bad about the situation, I went to church the next day and confessed. So, maybe just maybe this fella is out there somewhere in cyber space and he is reading this knowing I feel bad about my pride getting the best of me. Sir, I am very sorry for the third time, I know I won't let it rest, but its been bugging me. For those of you that did wrong and know it but for some reason you just keep hanging in there, let it go, admit it. You'll feel better. OJ, Scott Peterson, Bill Clinton, Frank Gifford, Steve Byrne, just admit it, you F#$ked up. Now say your sorry and go to sleep. Sir, I am sorry.

Comments

Disclaimer

The opinions expressed on this blog are the personal opinions of our bloggers, and in no way reflect the opinions of Comedy Central, MTV Networks or Viacom.

Warning

Some blogs or websites linked from this site may contain objectionable or uncensored content. Comedy Central is not affiliated with these websites and makes no representation or warranties as to their content.