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Futurama Is Back, Baby! Before They Get Stale: Jerry Stiller, Jason Segel and Adam Sandler
by | comments:

So. That crazy-huge oil gusher is still goin' to town on the Gulf Coast.

How can that be? This is the United States, the most privileged country in the world, right? If this thing were that big of a deal, wouldn't someone have done something about it by now?

Here's another way to look at it. We've had oil spills before… Were they all so terrible? Worst case scenario: what happens in the aftermath of, oh, say the BIGGEST OIL SPILL IN U.S. HISTORY? Why look! Here's a convenient video explaining exactly that:

To recap (no pun intended): when the Lakeview Gusher kasploded forth, 100 years ago, it eventually leaked 378 million gallons of crude oil into the California dirt. That dirt, once full of living plants, animals, and life-sustaining nutrients, basically turned into asphalt. ASPHALT*!

Seriously? You can't grow food in asphalt any more than you can fish, swim or live near whatever the Gulf water is going to turn into before BP cleans up the hot mess they made. And the Lakeview Gusher was on land, surrounded by all that nice dirt to stop the oil from spreading. Instead, where is our new oil spill? Oh, yeah: right around the same area as something called the Gulf Stream, which carries water to most of the Atlantic Ocean. But hey, that oil tycoon guy, with his old-timey moustache and 378-million-gallon hat, thinks it's no big deal.

Plus, the Lakeview gusher leaked all that oil over the course of 554 days (a rate of about .7 million gallons/day). The Department of Energy estimates the Gulf Gusher is going at a rate of about 1,470,000 gallons/day after 89 days, which means we could break Lakeview's record in about half the time. That 1.47million gallon rate, however, is considered one of the most conservative estimates in the news today (more conservative than BP's own "worst case scenario" estimate of 2,520,000 gallons/day). So, if we were to take the estimate of geological oil experts, the daily rate would be more like 4,200,000 gallons/day… In which case we'll be smashing the Lakeview record in only another 88 short days.

I'd love to have a "sarcastic font" right about now, so that I could express the following sentiment with the proper drippy, sticky, oily disdain:

AWESOME.

To help the Gulf Coast (and indeed, to help us all), donate to Colbert Nation's Gulf of America Fund. And may God have mercy on our souls.

*More like ASS FAULT. Pun intended.

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