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If you saw stand-up Mike Vecchione on the street, you would probably ditch those illegal drugs you have in your pocket (my advice: throw them into an open stroller). Don't be fooled, Vecchione may look like an undercover cop, but he's actually a hilarious comedian. In his Comedy Central Presents this Friday, March 4 at 11/10c, he'll share his tips on talking to women and what not to do with hotel room soap.

Click past the jump for a preview from the special, and get your drugs back from that baby.

What adjective would your mom or best friend use to describe you?
My Mom would describe me as intense/focused… Why are you talking to my Mom?

If you could commit a crime with any historical figure, who would it be? What crime would you commit?
I would commit a crime with Abe Lincoln and we would rob the grave of John Wilkes Booth.

How do you like your coffee/women/men?
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and without genital warts…

First Aunt Viv or second Aunt Viv?
I have no idea what this question is.

What did you dream about last night?
Last night I dreamt that me and Abe Lincoln were grave robbing…

What is your spirit animal?
My spiritual animal is a dog, because I can lick myself and I get nervous around Asians.

Which subject were you best at in grade school?
My best subject in grade school was: Fire-drill… no one leaves a room like me…

What is your breakfast of champions?
My breakfast of champions: an egg white omelet, sausage patty, wheat toast (no butter) + 2 shots human growth hormone (steroids).

Do you have pets?
I don't have pets… they have a habit of not surviving when you are on the road for extended periods…

Do you like men/women with pets?
I love women with or without pets…

What do you do when you are not doing comedy?
When I am not doing comedy, I drink and create hilarious situations to talk about on stage…

Go to the Huffington Post for an exclusive clip from Mike's special.

Comedy Central Presents Mike Vecchione premieres Friday at 11/10c, followed by Comedy Central Presents Jessi Klein.




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