The Internet; some know it as a beacon of democracy, a safe-haven for the world's collective knowledge, and a key component of a globalized society. Others know it as Wikipedia and porn and stuff. Both (equally legitimate) parties, however, understand the great social responsibility that comes along with it.
Don't give me constant updates of where you are eating or shopping. The only person who cares about that is your stalker, and the real joy for him is the hunt.
… If all of your pictures are from the same angle, I know that you are ugly and have figured out that one angle that makes you look less ugly.
All classics and indisputably true. Kroll doesn't just go for the easy stuff, though, he also offers up some rarer, but even more powerful advice:
Sign up for Myspace now because it's gonna be cool and retro before you know it, like roller skating or having a Sega fucking Genesis.
…If you tag me on a Facebook group page that everyone "replies all" to for weeks, I will legit murder your parents. Same goes for group e-mails, y'all.
Web-related murders are as frequent as they are justifiable. Nick sums things up nicely, simply stating:
Just remember that everyone on the Internet is taking note of your goings-on and judging you all the time. Isn't that comforting?
It sure is, Nick, it sure is. Read the rest of the article here, be sure to check out Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool on September 13, and, in the meantime, watch him hand out the much-anticipated social networking awards at the Texties after the jump.